Classic George Carlin
I think I am, therefore I am. I think.
George Carlin in Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

- George Carlin on Death

Happens to be. ‘He happens to be black.’ Like it’s a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that’s right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just ‘happened to be’ Scandinavian!
George Carlin’s You Are All Diseased (1999)
- George Carlin

- George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
George Carlin (via morrigans)

- George Carlin on Drugs, Marijuana, and Edgy Comedians Dying Young

insideoutnight:

george carlin was the first comedian i ever got to see live and i think he pretty much ruined me for everyone else. :’(

insideoutnight:

george carlin was the first comedian i ever got to see live and i think he pretty much ruined me for everyone else. :’(

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
George Carlin (via alebeta)
Listen. There are 200 countries in the world now. Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites? Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries? Because you have the most money? Because he likes our National Anthem? Maybe it’s because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of Classic Rice-A-Roni! It’s delusional thinking! And America is not alone with this sort of delusions. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody’s gonna be disappointed. Somebody’s wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone?
George Carlin (via hawaiiansdonotblog)
There’s something I like about the clitoris, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
George Carlin - Napalm and Silly Putty (via hudizzle)